I had a disaster here some time ago and lost a HDD containing years worth of accumulated jokes and photos. I can't replace the memories but with your help I can build up a huge database of jokes again. All donations of borderline, non-racist, relatively clean jokes will be gratefully received. Thank you to Angela, a regular contributor of the tasteless material you see here.
- "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
- "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
- "As long as there are exams, there will be prayer in public schools"
- "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
- "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."
- "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
- "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
- "Wink, I'll do the rest!"
- "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
- "Where there's a will, I want to be in it!"
- "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
- "Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!"
- "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
- "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
- "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
- "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
- "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
- "He who laughs last thinks slowest."
- "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
- "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths."
- "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
- "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
- "There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
- "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
- "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock."
- "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Social Security Offices. ‘My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told by David Cameron to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children, all costs to be borne by the British Tax Payers.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Iraq where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
PING! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go’
The Asylum Seeker claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Coast with eight bedrooms and a gold Visa card in each room for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Iraq; I want to bring them all over here.’
PING! In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said, ‘I want to be English, with English clothes instead of the rags and shawl I’m wearing and I want to have white skin like the English.'
PING! The man was transformed, wearing worn-out trainers, a dirty Man Utd T-shirt and a greasy baseball hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said "Tough luck. Now that you’re English, you're entitled to sweet ‘F’ all, just like the rest of us."
And she disappeared.
An old man wanted to plant a tomato garden, but it was difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling sad because I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm too old already. I know if you were here, you would happily dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later, he received a letter from his son:
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.
That day, he received another letter from his son:
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.
She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedophile and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.
However, they do make me look a bit gay.
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said ‘We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.’
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said ‘Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether.’
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. I only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -
Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.
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Survey Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
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On my Census form there is a question ‘Do you have any dependents?’
Apparently, putting thousands of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalians, Romanians, single mothers, loafers, smack-heads, and non-English speaking people isn't the
right answer. They've sent my form back!
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Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding but Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss and went anyway.
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.
She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back!
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"
Philosophy
